Welcome back, my homies. Tomorrow is Friday, an important Friday. It's not your average Friday, because...it's a good Friday. And it's a good Friday because tomorrow is Good Friday. And boy, is that good.
I will save my Good Friday post for Friday, however, because I think that would fit better. Sort of like a puzzle, I guess.
I want to talk about puzzles today. Specifically my puzzle. The one I keep trying to put together, but the pieces just feel like they are getting pulled apart at a much faster rate than I'm putting them back together.
I suffer from this terrible disease known as regret. Regret and fear. I know you aren't supposed to look back, each day is a new day, and dwelling in the past is never helpful; but I can't seem to get it off my mind.
If I look back on my past, I see a picture. I was who I wanted to be, for a short time at least. I had a name, and my name was me. I had an identity, and, despite it's flaws, I felt a sort of wholeness. Not completeness, but I had a pretty good idea of who I was.
Since then, I feel like so many pieces have been knocked out of place. I feel like whatever picture I had before, whatever identity, has sort of been dashed to the dust. I am undecipherable now; unreadable. I don't feel that wholeness...I feel scattered. A bunch of scattered pieces.
And I feel like I've moved from offense to defense on my puzzle; rather than getting further along in my work, I'm protecting what pieces I have linked together now, for fear of losing anymore. For fear of breaking some other expectation set for myself, for losing one more piece that makes me me.
Staring at a bunch of scattered pieces is daunting, let me tell you. It feels impossible when you are starting out, even if there is a team of pro-puzzlers behind you, especially the big, several-thousand piece puzzles. Maybe a puzzle of a stormy sky, or field of grass. All just a bunch of different shades of one color, mushed together. Indistinguishable.
If I stay scattered forever, I'll go crazy. But fitting it all back together could drive me just as insane.
As much as I want a whole puzzle, there are things I need to remind myself of. First and foremost, I am imperfect. By definition, I can't be perfect, and I never will be. I am human; I am a sinner. I can never be perfect just as God can never be flawed. No matter what good deeds I do, or how "good" I act, I am never "good" enough to outweigh the power of sin.
I lied, maybe today is my Good Friday post. Because the second thing I need to remind myself of, is that I don't have to outweigh sin. I don't have to because that Friday was so Good. I don't have to because there is something else outweighing my sin, something far greater, far more whole, and far more perfect than I ever could imagine: Jesus. His death tipped the scales in my favor.
Boy, am I undeserving. That a Perfect Being would give up everything to take on every wrong I've ever done and wear it like a blood-stained cloak? That the definition of Perfection would take on death so that I don't have to be perfect? Incredible and indescribable.
So incredible that I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it. Why would He do that for me? What have I ever done that is worth that price? Because His Love is that Good.
It's hard to picture all of that when you feel so incredibly disappointing. But it's true, it's always been true, and it always will be true. God loved me before I was born, before anyone thought of me, before Adam and Eve ever left the garden. The plan had been set long before I arrived to the scene. I am a work in progress.
I may be going in the wrong direction right now. I may be so far gone, that it seems impossible I'll ever find the road again. But the road to salvation is there, and there is a Light that will guide me back. There is The Pro Puzzler holding all my pieces right now, and He's putting them in place on His timing, not mine.
I am not who I was, but I know I'm not who I'm going to be forever right now. I am a work in progress.
I am a puzzle in progress.
I love you, Rose Petal Fence Posts. I hope tomorrow is truly Good, and that you spend just a few moments remembering how Good it is.
If I look back on my past, I see a picture. I was who I wanted to be, for a short time at least. I had a name, and my name was me. I had an identity, and, despite it's flaws, I felt a sort of wholeness. Not completeness, but I had a pretty good idea of who I was.
Since then, I feel like so many pieces have been knocked out of place. I feel like whatever picture I had before, whatever identity, has sort of been dashed to the dust. I am undecipherable now; unreadable. I don't feel that wholeness...I feel scattered. A bunch of scattered pieces.
And I feel like I've moved from offense to defense on my puzzle; rather than getting further along in my work, I'm protecting what pieces I have linked together now, for fear of losing anymore. For fear of breaking some other expectation set for myself, for losing one more piece that makes me me.
Staring at a bunch of scattered pieces is daunting, let me tell you. It feels impossible when you are starting out, even if there is a team of pro-puzzlers behind you, especially the big, several-thousand piece puzzles. Maybe a puzzle of a stormy sky, or field of grass. All just a bunch of different shades of one color, mushed together. Indistinguishable.
If I stay scattered forever, I'll go crazy. But fitting it all back together could drive me just as insane.
As much as I want a whole puzzle, there are things I need to remind myself of. First and foremost, I am imperfect. By definition, I can't be perfect, and I never will be. I am human; I am a sinner. I can never be perfect just as God can never be flawed. No matter what good deeds I do, or how "good" I act, I am never "good" enough to outweigh the power of sin.
I lied, maybe today is my Good Friday post. Because the second thing I need to remind myself of, is that I don't have to outweigh sin. I don't have to because that Friday was so Good. I don't have to because there is something else outweighing my sin, something far greater, far more whole, and far more perfect than I ever could imagine: Jesus. His death tipped the scales in my favor.
Boy, am I undeserving. That a Perfect Being would give up everything to take on every wrong I've ever done and wear it like a blood-stained cloak? That the definition of Perfection would take on death so that I don't have to be perfect? Incredible and indescribable.
So incredible that I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it. Why would He do that for me? What have I ever done that is worth that price? Because His Love is that Good.
It's hard to picture all of that when you feel so incredibly disappointing. But it's true, it's always been true, and it always will be true. God loved me before I was born, before anyone thought of me, before Adam and Eve ever left the garden. The plan had been set long before I arrived to the scene. I am a work in progress.
I may be going in the wrong direction right now. I may be so far gone, that it seems impossible I'll ever find the road again. But the road to salvation is there, and there is a Light that will guide me back. There is The Pro Puzzler holding all my pieces right now, and He's putting them in place on His timing, not mine.
I am not who I was, but I know I'm not who I'm going to be forever right now. I am a work in progress.
I am a puzzle in progress.
I love you, Rose Petal Fence Posts. I hope tomorrow is truly Good, and that you spend just a few moments remembering how Good it is.
No comments:
Post a Comment