Exploding Jellybeans

Well hello there.

If you're reading this, it's been some time since my last post. In fact, it's been a very long time. And while I didn't have the time to write, really, I did have the time to miss posting on here. I still wrote...it was less organized...but I still wrote, and I tried to keep at least a daily journal of my thoughts and where I was.

And let me tell you-my thoughts have been all over the place...as I have.

I had hoped my break from my blog would be a short one, but work got overwhelming overwhelmingly fast. I worked hours I never want to work again in my life, but I've learned a few things the last few weeks, so, if you'll take the time to listen, I'll share them here.

First of all, it's hard to explain and allow someone to empathize the layers of your mind without them having experienced it truly for themselves. If they haven't been where you've been, felt the pain or numbness you've felt, it's going to be very difficult to find any sort of understanding on that border. And more importantly than that, you can never blame someone for not feeling what you feel. Our planet is filled with millions upon millions of people, and each is bred in an environment that will create a human that has never lived the same life as someone else.

Having said that, all people do experience emotions, and those emotions more often than not fall in the same wide road that yours do. And though people aren't always saying what you want to hear when they try their hand at advice, or they don't understand what you're trying to explain, you have to give them credit for trying. You have to accept that no one is going to give you the golden, shining answer to your problem: it's something you have to seek and solve on your own.

But anyone who takes the time to try to be there?
Hold on to them. Hold on tight, because they are few and far between, my friends.

Two (I'm still trying to work out), it is sometimes more difficult to find the balance between acceptance and ambition, waiting and chasing. How do you know when something is worth chasing desperately for? Running towards without looking back?

It is, my friends, a question that has haunted me for as long as I can remember. In other words, what course of action is going to fix the situation?

All I've found in terms of an answer is this: seek God. He's not going to write 'stop' or 'go' on your ceiling to see when you wake up, and He isn't going to light up a golden path to what decision to make, but when you are actively seeking Him, the decision becomes a little bit clearer, and His will starts to show itself in places you'd never expect.

And thirdly, a personal truth maybe moreso than a general one, even when you want to, don't push away the ones you love.

Let me say that again, for anyone out there who is like me: Don't push away the ones you love.

Don't push them away because you fear them seeing your flaws and your faults. Don't push them away because you think you are going to hurt them.Don't push them away because you are scared of commitment, or scared that you are holding on too tight. Don't push them away for fear of what the world expects from you, and please, please, please, don't push them away by way of thinking you hate yourself more than you could ever love anyone else.

I don't know if other people struggle with this, but I certainly do. I have a roadblock when it comes to thinking other people will look over my glaring flaws. I think they're hideously, grossly apparent in my actions, and it is that process that drives me to kick out anyone who may come too close, anyone who reaches out a little closer to what I think is broken glass.

But pushing people away never solves the problem, especially the ones you love.

Now, while I'm officially back on the radar (except for my possible no wifi week coming up here) I don't know how often I will post. I'll try not to let the weeks slip away like I did last time, but I doubt I will be posting every day again.  I've missed it too much to stay away, though, and honestly, it has made my heart glow a little bit every time someone asks if I'm ever going to start writing on here again. So those of you reading, I love you dearly, you exploding jelly beans, and let me say, my heart is exploding as I think of you all. Have a wonderful week.